Parents and Children

The one role most adults have to play for which there are no training programmes, short term courses, degrees to be earned or certificates of commendation at the end… Because

• parenting never ends
• Its effects are life long
• Its demands keep changing with times but never seize

It goes without saying that the most impactful adults in any child’s life are their parents. While they not only give critical genetic inputs, they also create the most crucial early environments in which children grow up. Early experiences parents create have long lasting effects and lifelong impacts.

There goes the assumption, propagating the human species is crucially more important than checking to see who are eligible to produce and raise progeny. Initially Darwin’s ‘Survival of the fittest ‘worked well.  But the more the technological, medical and environmental development advanced, more of us survived and will do so in future. But circumstances in which we grow up are not in the hands of global changes completely… these are in the hands of two individuals, closest to us; our parents.  We are both beneficiaries as well as victims of the strength or lack of parenting skills of our parents.

Given this scenario, ironically, we humans have never given a serious thought to check eligibility of individuals for becoming parents… if there were eligibility tests for parenting, surely most humans are bound to fail in it!

So now come to our own situation. Many among us have these various feelings towards our parents. Not all apply to all though.

• They are not as attentive as we would like them to be
• They do not understand our innate desires and needs
• They do not / cannot provide for our needs
• They do not understand the world we are living in; hang on to their own world and its demands
• They expect miracles from us, without realizing our liabilities
• They enforce their ideas of what is good, expected behaviours and actions from us
• They are often ruthless in this enforcement, depriving us of good living
• They do not realize that individual differences make their children very different from each other
• They would like to fulfil their lost dreams through their children
• They differentiate among their children; love one more than the other
• They can be neglectful, blind to our situations
• Their punishments are way above the indiscretion committed by us from time to time
• They hardly ever pay attention to us psychological needs; assume fulfilling physical needs is good enough parenting
• They emphasize their sacrifices often, making us feel guilty and useless
• Most of them have very gender specific ideas about how boys and girls should be raised ; this follows clear gender discrimination

This list can go on. All the above are genuine concerns of children anywhere in the world. It’s their perspective.  From their point of view we have to nod and probably agree with them.

But wait… there another side to this; the parents’ side of this story.

• The most important point here is, parents are at least 20 years older, and even more so in modern families, closer to 30 years. The three decades difference is monumental in the perception game that the parents and children engage in
• The only manual on parenting they have is the unwritten experiences of being parented by their own parents. In modern days, lots of generic advice is there in popular literature, but who reads that or takes it seriously? Only thing serious is what their parents did for most of us
• Parents are the first behaviour models for children…but parents hardly ever realize that. Added to that even being conscious of it, parents cannot be on their best behaviour with children all the time, it’s not humanly possible
• Parents struggle with family values, social expectations and their own personal desires as to what is good for their children; these can conflict often times
• Must remember that parents are two different individuals, brought up by two different set of parents themselves. This can lead to serious differences in their parenting styles. Children can get mighty confused between their parental demands
• Partiality towards one child who is better at listening to them, works better, succeeds in school and other activities is a natural thing.. It’s human to appreciate the good. In our society even sex of the children makes a huge difference too. Most parents try their best to hide their preferences among their children; but smart children do recognize this and feel terrible about it.
• Parents are humans with other pressing duties towards the family, work, society and their children. Work stress is a one huge factor in their life that prevents them from giving undivided attention to their children; children find this hard to accommodate.
• The divide is widened by the fact of what constitutes freedom between parents and children. What parents consider freedom and children perceive are often conflicting ;
• Some children thrive with ample freedom (permissive parenting), others require some handholding (democratic parenting) and some others active guidance and control  (authoritarian parenting) from parents. Most parents are unaware of this dilemma…they simply adopt their own parental practices, if it has worked for them. Or do exactly the opposite if it had not worked for them.
• Parents see children as one unit; giving similar experiences and treatment to all, not realizing each child is very different and needs different handling.

This list too can go on. But basically these are the prominent issues between parents and children.

Parent child conflicts abound. Most make adjustments and eventually reconcile to each other. But there are considerable families in which the psychological gap between parents and children leaves lasting scars and effects that are hard to alleviate. Serious effots by both are required in order to repair this condition.

What can children do?

• See parents as normal humans with their strengths and weaknesses; physical, mental and emotional
• Use a bit of perspective taking; accommodate their parental world into their understanding of why their parents do what they do
• Not get impatient with parents with limited worldly wise knowledge or skills
• Appreciate what their living limitations were in terms of income, time, resources and knowledge from the world in which they were raised and make adjustments accordingly
• There is scope to balance between obeying parents implicitly and rebelling. Recognizing and implementing that is important
• Realize that ironically, their own offspring in future are likely to perceive them in similar manner
• Realize there comes a time when parents become dependent, need their children’s unconditional support and care. It’s as much their duty as raising them was parents’
• Finally, whole heartedly forgive parents for all their shortfalls…this goes a long way in repairing fractured relationships.

What can parents do?

• Realize their children are born into a different world and its demands are very different from their own
• Understand individual differences; observe each child, see them as they individually are and never compare them with anyone ever
• Observe what kind of help each one needs; using appropriate handling techniques can go a long way in raising children successfully; not all children benefit with freedom, or with strict control… balance becomes important
• Listening to children, trying to understand their perspective is very important; ‘do as I say, I am your parent, I know best’… will not work
• Observe the modern world around, read, get to know what the scientific literature is saying on parenting if you are educated, if not, talk to others and seek advice, ideas to do your job better as a parent; realize you or your parents do not know everything about parenting.
• Let go…this is the hardest for parents. Parents tend to see children as their own…forever. We must let go of our children when they want us to do so. Our presence in their life is probably until they get to work, establish their own family.
• Be available to them even after these events; after all, parents are those special intimate humans who cannot be replaced ever… children know that.
• Forgive your children their indiscretions, neglect and carelessness. They will probably come back with remorse and embrace you.

More can be written on this contentious issue. But will stop here.

Finally would like to say; parents and children are human, and wrong each other. But maturity lies in accepting what went wrong, bury the questions on who was at fault, move on and build a new more solid and strong bond as you both age and grand children take precedence over your dual relationship. Those young ones need both of you in your best element, if you want to raise them well.