Love
- October 15, 2019
- Posted by: MAYURI
- Category: Articles
Love
Love is the most elusive phenomena in our life. There are uncountable writings on love in the form of poetry, stories, sayings, epics, songs, films and drama!
All of us want it, and very few, if any, get it. Why?
It has got to do with another person! If there is no reciprocation… then there is no love.
There are circumstances in which love is expected
- Entitlement: being in a certain position, should entitle us to others’ love; parent, child, spouse positions come to mind
- Deserving: most of us think we deserve love from specific others since we are this way, we do these things for them…
- We see ourselves are worthy beings; some of us believe this to a narcissistic extent!
Unfortunately none of these will ensure love, because others don’t see us the way we see ourselves.
Since it is the most difficult thing to achieve, it is the most important goal in life for most humans at least at a certain age.
The social media is full of advice on how to get love, how to deal with loss of love and the trials of a loveless life.
We notice that many people feel that there is no love in their life. If questioned directly, however, most will tell a lie, since not being loved is tantamount to being excommunicated from the society! There are two lies that people generally tell
- a) that they are loved by….
- b) that they love … (especially with regard to their spouses and family!)
In some cultures we dare not ask if they love their spouse; it is assumed that spouses are loved. This pretense is all pervading.
Often, non reciprocation of love ends up in great tragedies…murders and suicides.
Any which way, love is tough.
Finding love outside: some misconceptions
- Attraction and infatuation are mistaken for love. The most common problem this is.
- We get attracted to someone and EXPECT the other to reciprocate in the same measure!
- We expect the other to prioritise us at all times
- We expect to be in their confidences at all times
- We expect them to stand by us in all trials of life
But such a rosy scenario rarely occurs in anyone’s life. Of course it cannot be ruled out. Some really lucky ones can get that kind of love not only from one specific person, but from others too. I personally know a pretty ordinary young woman, who is loved in such a manner by her parents, brother, husband as well as mother – in – law! Good for her!
But most among us are not that fortunate. It would be a wonder if one person sincerely loves us and prioritises us! It is not to be in the life of many persons.
What’s the alternative?
Of late we see a lot of advice on loving oneself instead. It was considered sacrilegious and selfish by our ancestors and our ancient gurus. We were expected to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others and not love ourselves!
But modern therapists tell us to love ourselves and live for ourselves!
Loving oneself is difficult for many among us because
- Our self esteem is poor. If no one finds us worthy of love, it is hard to have a positive self esteem
- We do not see what we are capable of as worthy skill, talent, ability; we are looking at something else that’s elusive
- We place others opinion as superior to our own opinion of ourselves. The logic works this way…if no one cares for me, how can I care for myself?
- In the huge web of relationships that we live in, there is no time or opportunity to look inwards, appreciate ourselves and love what we see there
So many among us are miserable, desperate and quietly depressed and continue to live lives certainly not worthy of us.
What to do?
Many alternatives present themselves
- Don’t start to vocalise that you must love yourself; such direct instructions to self often fail. You must find indirect ways to care for yourself
- Trim your expectations from others…realise that others are not responsible for your happiness or wellbeing, unless they voluntarily take on that responsibility
- Create exclusive time for yourself, a short period in a day. Be flexible about this. It may not be the same time every day.
- Do things that you love; read, listen to music, cook something interesting, take a short walk…
- Drown yourself in work…within the home…and at your workplace. Excelling in the work indirectly boosts self esteem as well as love for one’s own self
- When negative thoughts creep up…they often do…switch to active physical work, that requires your complete attention…cleaning the bath room, a cupboard
- Don’t place others on that pedestal… if you can remove them from that position mentally, you will stop craving for their attention and affection and turn to yourself instead
- Write…if you can put your thoughts into clear sentences, they lose their omnipotent power over you. Gradually you will see that such thoughts need not mess with your peace
- Do you have at least one person in your life to whom you can express your misery? You are lucky. Do that. If no one is there, find a calm, private place once in a while and talk aloud to yourself… no harm done and it is a very effective cathartic exercise!
- Often you drown in self pity…why me? What have I done wrong that nobody cares for me? The trick is to turn the thoughts immediately to ‘… so what, I can take care of them as well as take care of myself…’ this will boost your self esteem.
- Finally, the best thing would be to not crave for others love…that should be our goal.
All this is tough and not easily achieved. But love itself is tough …whether to get it from others or to get it from ourselves!
Wonderful article madam. Though we know that love is not easy but still we find most of them running behind it. I think once we love ourselves and project it with confidence then its quite obvious that others start admiring and express the act of love towards us. Because what we think of us it reflects back from others.
Though its difficult to accept that love is not easily earned, you have tried to put forth the bitter truth wonderfully madam.
Absolutely brilliant article which draws from personal experience. Excellent advice on handling loveless life. Kudos to you amma
Beautiful article.I loved the way it is explained.so true to everyone’s feelings!I also liked the alternatives.Finally one should not depend on others for their happiness or to know their worth.Introspection is best to decide for ourselves.ofcourse it’s easier said than done but we need to help ourselves. Good job!!!
‘Love’ly article! ‘ Love’ at its best! ‘Love’ to be really understood with ‘Love’. Lovable writing. 👍👍
Wonderful article Mayuri. I am enjoying reading all your articles.
very well articulated. All of us are in love with the idea of love than love itself. And we want to tell the world that we are loved.. by the time we reach the stage where we realize that we don’t need to be loved, to love someone.. we would have lost half our life. That’s when we realize the value of companionship.