Dealing with disappointments

Who hasn’t faced disappointments in life?

Does it sound like the profound question at Buddha’s congregation? Well here I am concerned with our daily life issues…not the profound existential ones.

All of us face disappointments regularly in life

• Not receiving the grades/ marks we expected in school, college
• Not becoming friends with that person we admire so much
• Not being included in activities by school, college or our community
• Failing to impress others with our talents
• Not finding romantic love when we most ardently desired it
• Not getting that admission into that university in the USA
• Not being able to marry that particular person we liked
• Not getting son/ daughter as we desired
• Not being selected for the dream job we were hankering after
• Not being appreciated enough in our job when we desperately expected it
• Not receiving the pay package we expected
• Not getting that promotion in the job
• Children not doing things well enough
• Spouse not doing things well enough…

This list can go on. The point is we are prone to disappointments at every turn in our lives, can hardly escape them.

What do disappointments do to us?

Few will not have long standing effects on us. But repeated disappointments can wreck havoc in many ways. Variety of mental disruptions can occur

• Anger: Depending upon the severely of our expectation, the effects of disappointments varies. From mild irritation to being seriously upset to going off on a rampage
• Depression: Disappointments can make us depressed, maybe temporarily or in some cases for a long time too
• Lose faith in self: it is possible that people lose faith in themselves, their capabilities and their agency in turning things around
• Jealousy : when someone else gets the coveted gift, this emotion is paramount in our minds
• Despair : I can’t do anything anymore… that feeling can take strangle hold
• Hatred: all this can culminate in hatred towards people, institutions, and the world at large

If not addressed head on, these feelings can engulf us until one or two of them dominate our minds and actions and then there can be no turning back…

• Giving up on ambitions and dreams
• Becoming isolated , not seeking help
• Stopping doing those things we were good at too
• Slowly, but surely going off into a cocoon

This state is a hopeless condition for anyone to be in. Before such a thing sets in it is important to get alert.

What can be done to avoid such debilitating condition originating from disappointments?

Many things can be done. Some must precede the actual situation, some during the process and some after the situation.

Preceding actions

• Do assess your life situation very meticulously before setting up goals that are tough to achieve. I wanted to go to USA for higher education in 1970s! it was a very very tough situation given the financial and other family conditions I was living in. Gave up that goal without much damage from that disappointment
• Assess your own aptitude and abilities… am I capable of doing this, taking that responsibility, or facing the consequences of that decision? These are very important. Had a student who did not make this assessment, and had to give up her post graduate degree programme, since she realized late that she did not possess the skill sets or the mental strength to carry on
• Assess your commitment levels for a particular set of actions and tasks…this is difficult to judge at the outset, but can easily be gauged by stepping into the action and making quick decisions on continuing or quitting and moving on. My daughter very quickly realised that she was not cut out for STEM education and moved onto commerce and economics group… got good grades and thrived.
• Do assess your own dominant personality traits; they play a very critical role especially in goals that are social in nature. You might have to change some of these, work on controlling some, before embarking on this voyage.

During the process

• Preparation: very often we enjoy having made a decision, gotten into a programme, a job, but not realize that we need preparation for it. Unless one has a natural aptitude, most among us need proper preparation before attempting any task
• Being realistic about the level of success …with this total devastation due to the disappointment can be avoided
• Approaching the activity with caution about failure, producing only a moderately satisfying work output, or needing many attempts to succeed are part of the process. After all, many have to try  repeatedly to pass that competitive examination!

After the situation:

Our role is over once the task is completed. The outcome could be terribly disappointing…we really do not know.

• Be mentally braced for any eventuality…do not set too high hopes of great success since any situation turning out absolutely fine depends not only on our effort, but extraneous factors too. In my case, I had to face three interviews for one promotion! I did very well in all three of them. But my promotion eluded me due to certain extraneous factors. Finally when I did get that promotion the elation was very subdued. But the disappointment in the earlier two incidents was well within the limits of bearable!
• Do not have high expectations from others… others are not here to please us. They may not have liked what we did while we thought what we did was great!
• Remember that we have to hold ourselves completely responsible for whatever happens. The chance, luck and God factors are only part of our safeguards, and not directly responsible for the outcomes. So, if you are disappointed, well…you are responsible and not these factors, most of the time.

Once the negative result and the consequent disappointment are faced, if we have been cautioned properly by our own thoughts, we will not breakdown… and that’s what counts in the long run. We must get up, dust away the disappointment, and move on…in that direction with renewed energy and effort or in another direction where we have equal or better aptitude and abilities.

Good luck in facing disappointments head on.