Appreciating others

Why don’t we appreciate people in real time?

Why is it always after the event?

For instance

• Only on the day of retirement we are praised to skies by our colleagues
• When we are transferred out in the farewell parties our good work is recalled
• Parents recall nice things about their children when they leave home; going abroad or daughters getting married
• Friends leaving us for whatever reason, only then we tell them how important they were to us
• We appreciate somebody for their specific contribution long after it is no longer relevant to them
• Finally, death…we cry over the loss of a near one and recall minutest details of their work, their contribution to our life

Receiving appreciation is most valued by all of us, which is often with held.

Some reasons for this peculiar human behaviour

• We humans find it easier to scold than praise; praising is embarrassing for most of us; we tend to see the negative with more alacrity and precision than the positive in others. A very common one that all of us notice is the silent consumption of food when it is good with not a word of appreciation but  vociferous criticism of food when it is bad around the dining table in every household!
• Spouses never acknowledge each other, fearing putting the other on a pedestal   is detrimental to one’s own status in the delicate equation of the marriage (no particular example is given here since this requires another detailed article!)
• Similar problems in office/ work situation. If you praise the boss, you will be seen as buttering up; if you appreciate a junior, multiple causes are attributed to your behaviour, none appealing to your good sense! Eg: You are attracted to that person, that person has bribed you in some manner, you are too dependent on that person for various tasks, that person belongs to your community  etc are the common criticisms
• We human’s take most of our relationships for granted, top of the list is our relationship with our parents…it never occurs to us that they need appreciation once in a while too, though it is often impossible to repay their contributions to our life
• Appreciating our children in anathema in many households, it amounts to spoiling them for life!
• Teachers fear that appreciation goes to head and students and they will never reach expectations!

There are a few times when appreciation becomes both easy and sometimes imperative too

• Among lovers! The relationship will not last if there is no appreciation! Sadly the same couple, when they marry,  stop all that romantic appreciation pronto!
• When trying to get a very young child to do something , praise is very useful and a decent incentive
• When dealing with a chronic patient, we have to appreciate their good behaviour to attract them to more good behaviour
• When somebody is not connected to us in real life, it’s easier to heap praises on them…sports persons, actor, musicians, public figures, authors and, surprisingly  somebody else’s child so on. Appreciating someone else’s child is used tragically as a weapon against one’s own child to put him/her in place

Why is it important?

• It is vastly effective in improving our self esteem. Among the factors that enhance self esteem this one known as ‘Reflected Appraisal’ is critically important to uplift and sustain self esteem.
• It motivates us to excel in whatever we are required to do; nothing like a pat on the back by someone you love, admire or respect or is a superior at the job situation.
• It encourages to continuously engage in tasks that have to be done irrespective of our interest in them. Eg. Women are required to cook for family, three times a day for as long as they live! This requires appreciation like none else does to keep them at this otherwise mundane task
• It is more valued than other kinds of incentives; prizes, awards, increments etc since it has a personal touch involving the two persons
• It builds strong positive bonds in relationships across the board
• It builds trust and dependence, very important for sustained interpersonal relationships

What to do to improve?

• Making conscious efforts needed. For this we need to learn to value the other persons and their place in our life. Tall order!! But sincere efforts in this direction are imperative
• Often we assume that the ‘other person knows that we appreciate them…not necessary to verbalize…’ this is a wrong assumption. There is every possibility that the other sees you as ungrateful person. They can easily come to the conclusion that you take them for granted, and simply have expectations which are their due and not your goodness in bestowing things on them!
• Then there those among us who expect appreciation but never give it back in reciprocation! This is a complete ‘No…No’. You want it? Then you give it first.
• A little bit honesty goes a long way here. If we honesty judge what the other’s contribution has meant for us, we can give appreciation pretty easily and in a fair manner.

As the famous saying goes ‘life is too short…appreciate everything that is good in this life time…’ I will add “IN REAL TIME” for it to be meaningful to you as well as the deserving recipient.