Agreeing

We hate to agree with each other; that’s a given. Conversations are most often interspersed with negating what the other has said. Some examples

• That company sells the best curds… I think this company does that
• This institute is good for competitive exam preparation… no, that one is better
• I hated this film because…. But it was the first ever film that showed…
• This is a great book that’s come out this year… no, that was greater, though it did not get the attention it deserved.
• My son attends Bhagavath Geeta classes… why not Vishnu sahasranamam?

(this last was a personal experience last week, which gave me the idea to write this)

This list can go on. Why do we humans so love to negate what the others say all the time?  Some probable reasons

• If we agree or stay silent, that person has had the last word… who likes to let that happen? We all enjoy having the last word, don’t we?
• If we agree, it amounts to valuing their opinion much more than we want to. It hurts our ego
• If we agree, the social standing of that person seems to rise…who likes that?
• If we agree, unfortunately, the other would surmise we know nothing about the matter, and grin to himself
• If we agree, the onlookers will also side with that person…not nice at all
• The dire imperative to be seen as smart as the other
• Feels important to exhibit one’s own knowledge in the matter
• Lastly, to keep the conversation going

If not agreeing in the matters such as the above examples is the only issue, it’s pretty harmless. But not agreeing has deep roots in interpersonal relationships. Everywhere we see incompatibility among family members being cited as important reason for separation and divorce and sibling wars.

• Not agreeing is common between couples on matters such as work sharing, finances, social relations, in laws place in their life, child discipline, caregiving tasks, sexual relations, and in some families on religious practices, mutual friendships, personal appearance and of late we hear about political leanings too. Under these pressures, anything can go wrong anywhere. Depending on how serious the disagreeing happens, the conflicts escalate and might culminate in divorce.
• Another kind of disagreeing is related to siblings. Siblings have scores of things to disagree on such as who is to take care of ageing parents, who is to be responsible for their financial needs, interpersonal relationships with wife and husband relatives, whose work status is better therefore needs to be respected more , who is the favourite of parents and why, and finally, property sharing is a big contentious issue.

Agreeing requires some important behaviours and attitudes

• Being objective and fair; this is paramount to be able to see things in their actual perspective to be able to judge whether to disagree or agree
• Being generous; this is difficult for many among us. Even astrologers do not attribute this trait for most sun signs
• To introspect; another tough call for many among us. This gives us a clear understanding as where we stand on various matters and helps us decide on agreeing or not
• To judge whether we are capable, incapable, too ambitious, too withdrawing, taking on too much or too little… helps a lot in agreeing or not
• A desire to preserve relationships; most important trait. Relationships are most important in the long run for a comfortable life. Agreeing to something to preserve relationships becomes necessary many times
• Giving up on one-upmanship; ‘winning always’ kind of attitude; sometimes losing actually helps win a bigger battle. Recognising when to do this is necessary
• Visiting the decisions to agree or disagree again when calming down is another one very hard to implement. Ego comes in the way to go back on the decision made earlier. It becomes a festering wound in serious situations, and at the least creates unnecessary tense situations in normal social interactions.
• We don’t ever introspect on what were the effects of our disagreeing all the time … we might have lost friends in the process. People might have started avoiding us too.
• We might have lost opportunities to look at many things in another’s perspective by agreeing and using that information for our benefit.

Try agreeing, or listening and staying silent, it might actually benefit in many ways; Retain friendships, be considered a good companion, have better social relationships, and above all be considered a pleasant person to have around.

At a more profound level, agreeing with family, kin members might help smoothen interpersonal relationships when the matters of concern are logical, when it is about something that does not mess up life, it is about something that’s not about family issues.

Shall we all start agreeing a bit more and disagreeing a little less?