When we want others to change
- August 8, 2017
- Posted by: MAYURI
- Category: Articles
When we want others to change
“I am OK …you are not OK”
Have you noticed the general trend of complaints that people have? Others are this or that and not meeting their expectations. This phenomenon is completely ingrained in our psyche and we constantly seek affirmation that we are okay and if something needs change, it must be the other person who must change!
Many examples in life
- Spouses want to change each other; the bane of marriages in the first few years. ‘My way or the highway’ says the husband. ‘ ‘Used to this way and cannot change, so you change ’ says the wife.
- Boss wants things done only his/ her way; never listens to an interesting idea.
- Teachers are notorious for wanting students do things only in a particular way and no innovative thoughts are encouraged!
- Parents want children to change the way they do things, because what the parent says and does is the RIGHT way to do or say
In the day to day life if one is dominating and insists the other do things according to her/him, life can get pretty tough for the one who cannot assert himself/ herself.
The problem with interpersonal interactions is that we tend to forget that before the other came into our lives, they had a life of their own, lived it their way and found comfort in doing things in a certain way. But once they enter another’s life, as a student, as a subordinate, as a spouse, somehow everything seems to change; and they are required to change extensively.
Who must change, depends on who can talk the other down, who can use brute force, who can exercise socially sanctioned ascendant status in this equation. So, bosses, parents, teachers and one among the spouses, exercise this power.
What happens to the other in this scenario?
- At best they mould their ways of doing things to suit the other, whether they are content to do so or not
- They further lose the capacity to assert themselves
- They do not give ideas, express thoughts or try to explain anything to the other
- They shrink in personality; become shadows of what they used to be
- Those among this group, who are content to merge their identity with that of the dominant other , do not suffer much
- But those who resent this oppressive demands to change themselves innately rebel which can lead to severe personality problems such as suppressed anger, frustration, depression and anxiety.
What can be done?
The oppressor
- Must realise that he/she are dealing with another human being with different set of talents, ideas and attitude about how life has to be lived
- Must observe to perceive the other’s positive personality traits; we humans have perennial problem of not recognising positive in anybody or anything; most of us seem to have our brains wired to see only the negative or the ‘not so nice trait’ in others
- Must find ways to leverage diversity, as pointed out by the emotional intelligence experts. If the other has a particular talent, put that to use, don’t try to change that person.
- Must think of changing himself/ herself…this is a tough call for the narcissistic, dominant person to even dream of doing… but may be worth a try to save a work crisis or a relationship
- Must learn from scratch how to see good in others and appreciate them; spouse, a subordinate, a student or your own child deserve this effort.
The oppressed
- Do not give in early on and expect the other to give leeway later; it will not happen. Take a stand and assert yourself, nicely, firmly, but diplomatically. This needs lot of courage and talent with words. Practice if need be.
- Weigh the situation and try to change if what the other says is making sense or is important to save the situation. But make sure that you are clear on the fact that not everything will be obeyed simply because the other is demanding and belligerent.
- If you feel the other needs to make some changes, ask for that. If you shy away, the other assumes he/she is fine and does not need to make any contributions to help strengthen the relationship, make work environment better.
- If things become too oppressive, better to have a show down, even with a boss, rather than get into depression and suicidal moods.
- Don’t suffer in silence; seek help from friends, relatives, parents, counselors, co – workers, anybody with a sympathetic ear and a kind advice.
Most important thought in the mind of persons entering into a situation is that ‘as they expect others to welcome them as they are, same expectations are held by the other too!’ If change is required, it must happen from both parties…one-sided relationships and organizations have never worked in the world…
Good information to changing our own self and be conscious of our behaviour. I enjoyed reading this blog.
Thank you Maha. Very often we see others want us to change somehow not realising that change is a two-way process.
good article madam highlighting the point that every one need to introspect before commenting on others performance or activity . in families we often receive negative comments when we try to cook dal or sabji in a different way adding creativity as our great in laws and husband want to do it in a predetermined process only. similarly many things are set before in our minds and there is no space to accommodate the new talents and ideas. as you said change is inevitable in life and need to accept it certainly is a fact. It is a nature’s law. old leaves fall new arise. old water flows and new water comes etc., but as human beings become rigid and oppose the change no matter good or bad there ends the progress. to accept and encourage these talents and ideas you need to keep aside ur EGO and be magnanimous besides courage. like we say “if you dont like me that is ur problem not mine. i remain the way i am” if it doesn’t work the alternative is adjust. In your previous article u have clearly explained the life adjustments and compromises and its effect on interpersonal relationships.
the ego is the biggest enemy of humans. it does not help us change to suit the situations of our life. give up the ego, and life is much simpler.
I really enjoyed reading this article.Most of us have the habit of expecting others to change inspite of all our deficiencies!whether it is our food habits or dress or the way you keep your house others expect you to change !If only people realise that everyone has his or her own way of thinking and habits which should be respected life becomes beautiful.Live and let live!Good reading for every one!
Enjoyed the article. Well compiled. It is all there always – me vs him/her/they. Change the side/direction of looking and you become him/her/they!!
Yes Ramu. How resistant we all are to changing. Unnecessarily we make life difficult with our attitude.