Self aggrandisement

Often we see advice columns telling us to love ourselves, forgive ourselves; give ourselves praise and a treat…and stop demeaning or hating ourselves.

I would like to point out the opposite things here.

Do not love yourself too much, do not treat yourself to all the goodies and do not forgive yourself all the time. This amounts to self aggrandizement. Of late I find too many people being self obsessed rather than suffering from self loathing. Technically theses people are known as narcissists.

Some good things can happen with these people around; they set high standards for themselves, would like to work alone, do most things themselves since they do not trust others. But many among them think that the world out there is their oyster; that where the problem lies!

As bad as self loathing is, self love in the extreme too has terrible consequences.

I have known people who thought

• They are greater than all others in skills and abilities
• They are smarter
• They deserve the first acknowledgement for anything good that happens
• Others must recognize them as natural leaders
• People must be eternally be grateful to them
• They are entitled to the positions of power
• People should respect them, appreciate them and even love them!

These people who love themselves immensely have the following problems

• They cannot admire or appreciate others
• They are envious when others get appreciation
• They push themselves forward to gain attention
• They refuse to listen to others point of view
• They are bad at team work
• They do not hesitate to fix blame on others and never acknowledge their own mistakes
• They rarely recognize what is wrong with themselves
• They tend to become revengeful
• They can scheme, manipulate, threaten and use other such means to get one up on others
• They tend to walk out of situations, relationships and work environments rather than compromise, adjust, forgive and forget
• They expect many chances but will give none to others
• They get restless and unhappy until they are considered above others on some criteria that they consider important
• They find it hard to love or respect others
• They find innumerable excuses for themselves but refuse all excuses that others offer

What can happen to such persons?

• Unfortunately for them, others really cannot appreciate them or love them, since there is no reciprocation
• They tend to become lonely; true friendships are difficult for them
• Intimate relationships can soar for them; since they love taking and not giving
• Since they are so deep in love with themselves, they are blind to the needs of others becoming ineffective in caring for children, elderly and spouses, intimate relationships could become a big causality
• In work environments, they may be feared but hardly ever respected

What must these persons do?

• They should stop thinking they are right always. They can learn nothing from life if they think so
• They should practice listening ; these people are basically braggers, not giving others a chance to let a word in
• They must learn the hard way to take others’ perspective
• They must introspect once in a while at least
• They must realize that nothing of good quality can happen without team work and the entire team must get the credit
• They must realize that left to themselves, they would achieve nothing in this world; others have always been and will be critically important for them.
• In interpersonal space, they must tread carefully, since these are the first to suffer a set back with their self centered attitude
• Learning to value qualities that others have and they themselves do not have is important. Eg. Patience, ability to stay grounded, listening skill, refusing to fight back…all these are very important if relationships have to survive.
• They must learn to accept that they too have flaws and do make mistakes ; this will set a stage for repairing relationships both in work place as well as at home

In the worst case scenario, recognizing that they are incapable of giving love and respect, they must tread a lone path; a decision hard to make, but really a great one and saves them and many others a lot of pain. But if they constantly need others to endorse their feelings about themselves, God help these creatures!