Marriage
- March 28, 2016
- Posted by: MAYURI
- Category: Articles
Marriage
Most people in the world marry. Why?
This question has haunted me for long. Don’t mistake me. I am married too, and at present very happy to be so.
If we try to research on this, the social approval motive will prevent most couple from telling us the truth about their marriage, but being a lay counsellor I have seen many marriages in serious trouble, but still trudging on.
I have been married for 32 years, so have some ideas I would like to express here, some simple truths about marriage that I have noticed around me. This is true of arranged marriages especially. My hunch is that choice marriages too cannot escape many of the things mentioned here. I will be happy to see a counter to this.
- Clearly the man loves his mother more than his wife and clearly she loves her children more than her husband. I will excuse her because the man’s role is there in her children.
- After his mother’s time, the man starts looking up to his wife, but she continues to place her children before him. Men hardly ever realise this.
- In the first few years, say 5 years of marriage, the fights are loud and clear. The man threatens divorce at least 5 times during this period. Women do not do so.
- Men and women start tolerating each other only after 20 years in marriage, if they don’t want to bear each other for that long time, divorce is the way out. We see increasingly people are resorting to it these days.
- Men in the first decade of marriage do not see a friend and well-wisher in their wives. They do not confide anything with them. Women constantly try to fit in and are rebuffed regularly.
- Marital adjustments are a joke for men, they lose no opportunity to express them through social media, but they are serious business for women, because women make most of those adjustments!!!
- Whether blatantly or in a subtle manner, men would like to be the lord and master of the family. They pretend very well to have given freedom to their wives!
- Enriching and intelligent communication between a couple is rare, making it difficult for them to become friends. The same individuals show sparkling wit and intelligence in conversations with their friends, siblings and others.
- Acknowledging good, smart traits in each other too is very rare. They are not sufficiently thankful to each other, more inclined to take everything for granted.
- There are four dominant needs that men have a) food b) comfort c) sex d) ego satisfaction (may be not in that order for all of them). If a woman fulfils these needs, she is a good wife. The problem comes with ego satisfaction…every man has a different set of needs for ego to be bloated. Understanding this is a life time task for women, therefore the conflict.
- Women have needs too, but cannot be put in such clear terms. Men, therefore complain endlessly that they don’t understand women. You see, woman is any day farther away from the animal kingdom than man, she is the most complicated being that was created.
- Men endlessly complain about women and their penchant for shopping. But fail to realise that what she spends is much lesser than what he spends on himself, cigarettes, alcohol, fuel for the bike, eating out with friends, travel and some unmentionable other things in the case of some of them.
- After about 20 years of marriage, they settle down, he in the happy state that he has managed to mould her to his liking, and she in the happy state that she has successfully twisted him to her way of life. Both could be right or one only could be right. The point is, they have learned to deal with each other.
- Since most couple do not make meaningful conversation, they do not know each other even in a life time. His friends know him better and her friends know her better. This is the case with most marriages.
- But, the man swaggers around saying he knows her every inflection and mood. Completely wrong. Men must realise that a woman is as deep as a sea with too many complexities in her personality that he will never know and she will quietly take them to her grave. Likewise men have deep secrets that they never share and go to the grave with them.
- Both have their own ammunition to handle the other person, the man uses force, verbal and physical. The woman uses it by denial; which is more subtle and dangerous because it is not visible and can break him as badly as he can break her.
- Finally, I have seen more peaceful widows than widowers. Women survive loss of a spouse much better than men. In fact, many of them get a new power status in their families too.
Again we come back to the question…why do people marry?
- It is more because of social expectations rather than personal choice
- It is an illusion that shows a fairy tale ending when one thinks about it
- One is madly in love with someone and mistakenly thinks they cannot live without her/him
- Everybody is expected to do so, or else one is considered not normal/ weird
- In the expectation of changing the other person!!!
- For financial and other security
- To have one’s own children
- To avoid loneliness in later years
The list can go on. My point here is, no marriage ever escapes the issues presented above, whether it is a choice marriage or one that the parents choose. They may show some of them, most of them or all of them. Did somebody say marriage was sacred and made in heaven? Details about human behavior challenges.
Mam as usual a wonderful and thought provoking article,you are one of the most eminent persons, who sketches out the exact scenarios occurring in the life’s of most of the people.
This article especially challenges on the criteria s of pupil, planning for a life long commitment(marriage) like me,and coming straight away to the point of why do people marry?
-Might be because of one or more reasons from the above mentioned list,apart from those, i personally feel that,girl might plan for a knot with such a state of imagination that,she gets a person who would really play the roles of her parents in terms of care,love,security and acceptance for the rest of her life,because we need a witness to our lives as there are billions of people on the planet… I mean, in a marriage, we are promising to care about everything -the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. a statement which no warranties and guarantees.
– marriage contract puts a protective shell around a relationship that helps keep their bond strong when there are bumps in the road—it gives couples a sense of security that they’ll stay together no matter what.
-Many people (including employers) take marriage more seriously than other sorts of relationships because it might sound great if a girl leaves early from her office to celebrate her husbands birthday than to have to leave early to celebrate her boy friends birthday ,It’s unfair but true.
-It’s common for married couples to settle into a sense of rootedness and calm—whereas if they are in to living in relation ship,they were more adrift, unsure of where they’d be living or what they’d be doing a year or two down the line. Because marriage is the ultimate level of commitment that our society recognizes, once you’re hitched, you can sit back and feel content that you’ve reached that hope of a lifelong, satisfying, loving relationship.
– people also marry because after marriage the terms husband and wife serves as a team giving a sense of permanency,you -are- a -part of me and am- a -part- of you kind of, working towards fulfilling each others dreams.
-Priority towards one single partner raises, probably because one might have lots of relationships over their young years, but hopefully will only have one spouse at a right time. Singling out a man as the one to marry says that he means more to them than any other dude they have dated.
There are many other reasons too but ultimately the motto behind a marriage is to get a person for support ,care,security and a to have a sense of togetherness in terms of everything in life and to not to remain alone the rest of the life.
Well analysed Divya. However the fact remains that couples do have all these issues though marriage seems like the best option for most people to fulfil different personality needs. the
Mam, awesome Mam, you are such a good analyser.
Nice article mam
Madam it is an amazing article, very detailed and careful analysis of marital life and how people make adjustments in their life. I can say it is a fact sheet. The article really making people to think and analyse about their marital life and I had a good discussion with my hubby. As usual you are a great and wonderful analyser of facts.
I read your article very very carefully…
I was expecting an article in marriage from a married person…
I got one…
All what you said in your bulleted article are true…
No one can deny…
If you go deep into human relationship or think deep into it, one does not relish it…but if you look at it overall, not in detail, everything goes well…
That is what happens in every marriage…
Your detailed analysis of marriage tells us what we all experienced and experincing in a lucid manner…
It is an excellent article to be read by all men who is married and unmarried…
So I send this article to my friends to read and think…with your kind permission…
Thank you Dr. Mayuri for opening the eyes of those who are married and also not married…
Dear Sir, Thank you very much. i wanted to show a mirror to our lives but not individually criticize anyone.
Dear Madam, its super. All what You have written is very true and practical. But what I feel is most of the problems in marriage are due to high expectations from each other. if one can realize and can have realistic expectations the problems would probably be less. marriages do bring in many good moments that need to be relished. its in this relationship that we realize to empathize, provide space, accept person as he/she is, and many more especially when we do not experience them. marriage brings in maturity and couple interactions are friendly and companionship can be established only when we are really interested and want to keep the relationship growing and ripening with each moment. it was my view mam.
Thank you Pavitra, Sometime truth hurts, but must be told so that those who are not introspective can get to see the other perspective too.
madam a good article read a bit late but truly heart touching and like a open book that clears all illusions that we carry about marriage. madam many of us have entered into the institution of marriage by force / social expectations as u hav rightly said. the best line in your article is over a period of time we learn to DEAL with each other . how true! first we should come out of the illusion that no secrets should be present between ideal husband and wife and each on knows each other completely which can never happen in life time of course. one secret i will share about happy marriage is treat your husband as your friend . because we dont have much expectations and express displeasure if a friend does not fulfill our needs and expectations. but if u think in a husband’s role it becomes difficult to digest that being a husband he is not fulfilling all your desires resulting in frustration and unpleasantness around. u can easily excuse and forgive a friend not a husband . so always imagine, maintain and have expectations as ur friend not as a husband . this will dilute many negative issues. madam is there anything like “soulmate” in marriage? if yes how would it be different from normal life partner ?
Bilquis, I don’t think there is a “soul mate”. We must make the best of what we have got in marriage. thats where adjustments and changing ourselves become important.