- April 17, 2019
- Posted by: MAYURI
- Category: Articles
I think most of us humans blame someone or something in our life for all the adversities we face. Surely it is the easiest thing to do to safeguard our self esteem.
Freud was very right when he coined the ‘defense mechanisms’ to explain many human failings in times of stress and trauma. Blaming others comes very easy.
In the Indian context we can also blame our stars, the Gods and the demons too for all the things we do wrong!
Blaming others has many examples
- Countries blame each other for escalating tensions at their borders
- Politicians blame each other all the time in order to get some mileage
- Rich country heads blame the poorer countries for natural disasters, ozone depletion and all other climatic changes that are upsetting human life on the planet
At the personal level individuals
- blame each other for rising dissatisfaction in relationships
- blame others for non performance or poor performance
- blame others for one’s failures
- blame others to get over tricky situations
- blame others for losing an election, failing in examination, not winning a game… and so on
- in general blame others for the sad state of one’s life
Why do we blame others?
- It comes easy; finding a scapegoat is very easy for us, since it does not require any serious thought
- It is hard to face the truth of the situation; if interpersonal relations have gone sour, for example, the two persons involved are equally to be blamed in most cases. But both refuse to acknowledge but keep trading accusations at each other
- Most people do not reach the level of maturity ever in their life to see themselves and others from the prism of reality; the self is seen as superior to the other under all circumstances
- One needs a high level of self esteem to be able to squarely acknowledge that one is to be blamed and not all and sundry. This is a very tall order. Our self esteem is the most fragile aspect of our personality and it is almost impossible to take blame and break it.
- We have a tendency to find short cuts to solve all problems; blaming others absolves us from even trying to solve anything
- Most of us hate to be seen negatively by the society around us, we need their approval; blaming others helps us get away from this calamity
What happens when others when we blame them?
- At a superficial level, we have huge arguments
- If the malady continues, friends desert us, spouses lose affection and attachment, bosses lose confidence and loyalty of their subordinates and so on
- At a deeper level, irreversible damage can be done to the psyche of the person constantly blamed; a child loses self esteem, an employee can no longer feel confident, a spouse loses ability to go on in the relationship and so on
- The person blaming others constantly loses realistic perception of himself/ herself. Will continue to believe he/she can never be wrong!
- And, blaming can never solve the problem… one blaming refuses to work on it… the one blamed feels too helpless to work on it without the cooperation of the person blaming them!
What must we all do to avoid such a situation?
- Introspection, as I have often mentioned is an inner strength that we humans refuse to build; it is the single most effective way to handle life’s various controversies. ‘ What did I do…’ as against ‘ What did the other person do?’ is what we all must be pondering on before we embark on the blame game
- Taking a blame is not self demeaning… one must realise it needs tremendous courage to accept a mistake, take a blame and feel responsible to settle the matter
- We must realise that it is the psychologically troubled person who always tries to find a scapegoat… the ineffective boss comes to mind here. The strong boss would shield his/ her subordinates and take the blame…this gives him/her the drive to work on and set things right
- Blaming others is actually telling a lie. Doing that constantly, we must realise, we are setting a bad model of behaviour for our children, our subordinates and others
- Blaming happens most often when we are losing a battle…losing in a dignified manner is far more self elevating than blaming all and sundry for the loss. A graceful loser is respected greatly.
It important to stop this tendency once at least and stop to think ‘was I in some way responsible for this problem?’ By the honesty with which we ask ourselves this question , we determine how well we handle this malady called ‘blame game’ .